We hate your blog.

We hate Romance Stuck. Everything about it.

1. WE HATE your loveist agenda. Here’s what you’re doing, albeit badly: making sure people continue to suffer. We mean, what’s so great about love anyway? Attraction equals desire. Desire equals attachment to worldly things. As the Great Buddha teaches, attachment is the cause of all suffering. You’re keeping us from total enlightenment. Knock it off.

2. WE HATE your blog. We know, it seems like a given, but there is so much on your site to hate that we felt compelled to specify. We really hate your report on a new breath-tester in development by the University of Tel Aviv. First off, it doesn’t test whether one’s breath is “okay to kiss,” but whether one’s breath is Kosher. Not useful to us. If she can’t kiss us with bacon and/or sausage on our breath, she just can’t kiss us. Secondly, we would rather read about a true “okay to kiss” test. You know, something that would have prevented Jenny Hotpants from punching us in the nose after misinterpreting her question about “yesterday’s Shakespeare notes.” It was an honest mistake. Where’s your test for that, Romance Stuck?

Okay to kiss? Maybe. Okay to swallow...

3. WE HATE that the only real advice in your blog comes from a guy named Jim Bob, who has something like a million kids. He takes advice from the Amish about love. The Amish. Of sleeping-in-separate-bedrooms-and-going-to-said-lonely-bed-fully-clothed fame. Not the most passionate people, the Amish.

4. WE HATE your advice for “Expressing Your Love Online.” Item one? Build a website. We tried that with Natalie Portman. It wasn’t just romance. It was bonafide LOVE. Love! we tell you. And we built a website. In fact we did all of the things on your list. Built a website, started a Natalie Portman love blog, committed our MySpace account entirely to a Natalie Portman LoveSpace, we posted love messages on every message board we could find in hopes she’d read them, we sent her millions of eCards (having created a special program just to send them to her every second of every day), we sent her eLove coupons (still redeemable, Natalie, our love), we serenaded her continuously, we posted many many ads on Craigslist for her, and we got back to basics with very. sexy. mail. Verysexy. It didn’t work, Romance Stuck. We mean, it may have, but that a-hole activist judge granted her request for a restraining order on us. Stupid judge.

5. WE HATE your inability to say anything important about love. We click on “Kissing,” we get a list of Google ads. We click on “Romantic Sayings,” we get a list of google ads. We click (with fear and hope) on “Lesbian Dating,” and we get another freakin’ list of google ads! Dammit! And for lesbian dating, the first ad is for iChurch.com. Now, we know that Apple is a religion for some, but probably not the best place for us to find pictures of lesbians “dating” lesbians to find love on the internet.

People don’t want romance, they just want to screw. Or hump. Or whatever the kids are calling it these days. “Hookin’ up.” You know. Doin’ it? Help us with that, Romance Stuck. Our breath smells like beef-flavored top ramen. Our mom is always yelling at us to “Put your Special Edition Star Trek underoos in the laundry!” We need all the help we can get.