We hate The Free Christian Music Blog and we hate the post Free Music from Bright Light Parade.
1. WE HATE the concept of free Christian music. We hate it because it means that there is Christian music out there that isn’t free (and for sale at Walmart … on a Sunday). We think you need to ask yourselves: WWJS? Would he sell generic Christianity disguised as generic crap-rock? We say no for these two reasons:
- Jesus wouldn’t sell Christianity of any sort because he wasn’t a Christian. That part was a trick question.
- Jesus wouldn’t sell crap-rock for profit because Jesus abhorred people making money off of religion. And he had good taste in music.
- Jesus thought outside of the box. He created third reasons where none were previously referenced.
2. WE HATE your attempts to be cool. It’s a scientifically proven fact that all Christians are lame. And no amount of edgy album art or photos of bands standing in the corners of lawns will convince us otherwise. Science has proven you’re lame. Science!
“No. I will not smell your armpit.”
3. WE HATE your logo. It’s so desperately edgy.
Hmmmm, if we just throw this into photoshop and...
...there! Now it makes sense.
4. WE HATE passive aggressive notes. Have you ever read that piece of crap blog? We still can’t get over how much we hate them. Actually, it’s moved beyond hate now. They (or at least their fans) are our mortal enemies. Would you, Free Christian Music Blog, petition your god to smite them? Do you think he’d be up for that? It would have only a positive effect on the gene pool, we assure you. Please?
5. WE HATE where Christian music has gone. We miss Amy Grant. Michael W. Smith. Stryper.
We never got the color scheme. Bumblebees for Christ? What?
OK, maybe we don’t miss Stryper.
Take note, young Christian bands trying to be all “neato” and “with it.” This is your future. In 20 years, people will look at that Bright Light Parade album cover and laugh at it just as we are all laughing at these four d-bags in clown suits.
Their music says “Christian,” but their outfits say “Beware! High Voltage!”
Comment by Halstad Blanchard — November 10, 2009 @ 5:32 pm |
Hello.
Forgive me; I have trouble understanding your position here.
Are you frustrated at the direction that Christian music has taken as of late? I contend that the industry is definitely changed from its beginnings, and that nowadays it’s easier than ever before for a band to put its music out there (the same goes for secular music…attribute it to the media), but I think you underestimate the quality that is still to be found. Believe me, I can think of a few examples of Christian music/artists gone astray, but I could (much more so) list artists all day who can offer pure and loving hearts for God, dedication to following Him, AND excellent musicianship!
And you’re right, Jesus wouldn’t have sold cheap rock to make a profit for “religion”. What would you say his stand is on making sites dedicated to telling people how much you hate them and their work, just to bring them down?
And, on behalf of all us lame Jesus Freaks: We (and our buddy JC) are still gonna love you, haterade or not! (it’s true!)
Your friend,
Lauren
Comment by Lauren — November 11, 2009 @ 12:16 am |
Unfortunately, the bible doesn’t give us obvious guidance on what Jesus would say about We Hate Your Blog. Our guess is that he would get the joke (there is a joke to be had, you know), not be offended and then offer us some weed.
But the bible does tell us exactly what he thought of people making money off of god. He flipped tables over and threw those people out of the temple. So, by definition, making money off of Christian music simply isn’t Christian.
Your friend,
We Hate Your Blog
P.S. We’re going to hate an atheist blog next Tuesday. You Jesus freaks should get a kick out of it.
Comment by Ashby Barett — November 11, 2009 @ 9:24 am |