We hate your blog.

November 27, 2009

We hate Generation Bubble

Filed under: We hate your job? Is this your job?, We hate your pretention, We hate your writing — The Gosford of James @ 10:07 pm
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We hate Generation Bubble, and we hate the post Detroit Nosh City

1. WE HATE that you’re us, only smarter. It’s a classic example of kids from the northeast and kids from the midwest. We’d like it a lot if we could start a Dandy Warhols/Brian Jonestown Massacre-style rivalry (but only if we get to be BJM). We have WAY more Facebook fans than you. Take that.

2. WE HATE that your blog reads like 1. A desperate job application for NPR newswriter; or 2. A distillation of various aspects of your Master’s thesis. You even have an annotated bibliography, for cryin’ out loud. “Yeah, we read Baudrillard and Walter Benjamin for fun!” Pshaw, we say, GenBub. P. Shaw. Besides, everyone knows that the only Benjamin worth reading is “The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction.” (By the way, your citations are neither APA, nor MLA. Lame.)

It's one of those weird-ass bubbles from The Prisoner! Look out Number Six! Aaaaaiiiiiiiiiii!

3. WE HATE the sorry, lazy tactic of posting a rerun blog from those halcyon days of GenBub yore (April), rather than posting actual content on Thanksgiving. Tracking back to an early post that you might have liked, but didn’t get much run because your only readers were yourselves (we have no idea what that is like…), is just pathetic. We would never do that. In fact, on Thanksgiving we sucked it up, ran off to our room, (leaving behind the four soused, belligerent cousins and the grandmother who never understands that “intellectuals” like us don’t “work” for corporations) to shoot off.

Oh. What?

To shoot off a sterling hatepost about vegans (which we assume your ultra-liberal, east-coast biased asses are. We ate meat. In fact, we road-killed a turkey, threw it in the back of the Jeep, plucked it ourselves, and cooked it up. That turkey would have busted your Prius in half).

4. WE HATE your patronizing treatment of Coon Man. “Armed with a .22 rifle and some faithful hounds, he reaps the Motor City’s brownfield bounty.” Yeah, that’s how he would’ve said it. Way to denigrate a man just trying to get by in the world.

"What, don't I look like the sort who 'reaps Motor City's brownfield bounty'?"

5. WE HATE your pretension. You start off your post by saying “April is the cruelest month…for varmints.” Kakow! Throw in a slammer sometimes, just for fun. Okay, so an obvious Eliot reference in an article about Detroit might not be that pretentious. Let’s read on. “Apparently unfazed by this unfortunate sobriquet, “Coon Man” Beasley observes a credo as simple as his diet.” What’s unfortunate about his sobriquet? He hunts, traps, and sells raccoons. His sobriquet makes perfect sense to us. Only here in Real America, we just call it his nickname. Maybe it’s just this “Anton” character who is pretentious. We have other authors, too, and they are plenty pretentious sometimes. Let’s check out the next post. Good, good. Uh oh. “[...]like the kind of appurtenances they had in Borders before its governing powers discovered they’d inadvertently made their stores into flophouses and therefore decided to snatch them away.” We understand “flophouse” (where we grew up), and “snatch” (um…). But not much else. Write for America, GenBub. Not East America.

November 26, 2009

We hate SuperVegan.

Filed under: We hate your sanctimony. — wehateyourblog @ 4:57 pm
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We hate SuperVegan and we hate the post Where to Eat Vegan for Thanksgiving 2009 in New York City.

1. WE HATE that you needed to write an entire post advising people where to eat vegans in New York city, because that’s cannibalism, and that’s not vegan. Furthermore, that post should be on SuperC.H.U.D.

SuperVegan's superpowers include: fighting the tide, corralling glaciers, calling gravity unethical,

2. WE HATE your first sentence. “Thanksgiving is a devastating time of year for vegans.” No it’s not. It’s vegans’ favorite time of year, because it’s the only time that social customs force the rest of us to put up with your tired animal rights rants during an entire meal.

3. WE HATE your “Gentle Thanksgiving” recipe guide with a menu suggestion from Alicia Silverstone. Actually, we hate that Alicia Silverstone is your go-to celebrity. Every vegan we’ve ever met cites Alicia Silverstone as a vegan. Is that all you’ve got?

But, we will give Alicia Silverstone credit. She’s such a vegan, she’s refused to be in movies that contain any animals, depictions of animals, or mentions of animals. To be on the safe side, she’s refused to be in any movies.

4. WE HATE tofurky. If you don’t want it, don’t want it.

He buys his tofu in the pop-up section.

Here are some other ideas for people to want when they can’t want what they want:

  • For Jews: Kosher Krabs
  • For virgins: Dildon’ts
  • For clowns: Statutory Adults
  • For vegans: Friends who Still Want to Hear Your Sermon

5. WE HATE your name dropping. You tell vegans to go to Farm Sanctuary, and get the chance to “hang out with Laurie Anderson, Lou Reed, Peter Max and Ally Sheedy” (O Alicia, where art thou?). Vegans didn’t become vegans because celebrities became vegans. Vegans became vegans because they have weak teeth. It’s true.

A scientific study produced by a major university revealed that all vegans were born with weak enamel. This causes meat fibers to, in effect, tickle their teeth. We could go further into the study’s findings, but we’ll just cut straight to the conclusion: vegans can’t handle meat. They aren’t tough enough.

Here’s the take-home: vegans are born vegans. That’s why we have no problem with vegan marriage. Remember, we hate your blog, not your lifestyle.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

November 25, 2009

We hate Journal für Kunst, Sex und Mathematik

Filed under: We hate your art — Ashby Barett @ 9:33 am
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We hate Journal für Kunst, Sex und Mathematik and we hate the post November 24th, 2009.

We know the arrows mean something. They just have to!

1. WE HATE that 99% of the nauseating confusion we feel upon viewing your blog has nothing to do with the fact that we don’t know German.

Ceci n'est pas une flashlight lamp.

2. WE HATE that when we click on your “sex” tag we get images like this:

We're getting all moist over here.

And this:

Yummy.

And, oh dear, this:

Oh, holy hell.

3. WE HATE your amateurishly pretentious ramblings (when they’re in English).

“D. is interested in seers. Seers see what others do not see. Swedenborg is a seer (Buddha of the North). D. questions that seers have different eyes than others. But what makes them see more, then?”

You call that pretension? Come on, you can do better.

“Realometer writes: text-as-text is a necessary fiction, an unreal principal of reality. Magnetism-as-magnetism is not possible.”

There you go.

4. WE HATE that your images are just as pretentious as your writing. What the hell is this?

No, really. We demand an explanation. The rooster demands an explanation.

Yawn.

5. WE HATE that this next image is probably going to give us weird sex dreams tonight.

Finally, a visual depiction of the beast our parents said would devour us in our sleep if we masturbated.

November 23, 2009

We hate Owl Tattoos

Filed under: We hate clearinghouse blogs, We hate your hobby., We hate your love — Halstad Blanchard @ 10:35 am
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We hate the blog Owl Tattoos.

1. WE HATE the frivolity of the internet. Oh sure, it’s great that nature photographers, nudists, and other societal rejects have an online home, but … c’mon. Before clicking that “Create Blog” button in your Blogger account ask yourself,  “does the world really need a blog about this?”  In the case of the creator of the blog Owl Tattoos, if that question even came up, the answer apparently was “hells yes!”

Of course, we’re cool with tattoos. Tattoos are great. And owls? Well, ok. Owls. Whatever. Tattoos depicting owls? Hey, it’s your skin.

A blog about owl tattoos? Hmph. See the name of this blog.

Owl.

Look! A tattoo of an owl!

Look! A tattoo of an owl!

Owls.

Look! A tattoo of an owl!

Owls.

Look! A tattoo of an owl!

2. WE HATE how when we rapidly scroll through your blog, it’s like catching a psychedelic butcher shop out of the corner of our eye.

Look! A tattoo of an owl!

Look! A tattoo of an owl!

3. WE HATE the fact that owls are the new hot animal. It used to be penguins. We love penguins, but now owls are the new penguins. In line with its mission to make callous movies out of pop culture cliches, we assume Dreamworks is cooking up an animated owl movie featuring the voice talents of people like Tracy Morgan, Elizabeth Banks or Sarah Silverman in lieu of finding real actors.

Owls.

Look! A tattoo of an owl!

Look! A tattoo of an owl!

4. WE HATE the fact that people want to mythologize the owl. Everything you think you know about owls is wrong. Owls are jerks:

(From the Wikipedia) Much of the owls’ hunting strategy depends on stealth and surprise. Owls have at least two adaptations that aid them in achieving stealth. First, the dull coloration of owls’ feathers can render them almost invisible under certain conditions. Secondly, serrated edges on the leading edge owls’ remiges muffle an owl’s wingbeats, allowing its flight to be practically silent. Some fish-eating owls, for which silence is of no evolutionary advantage, lack this adaptation.

Once prey has been captured, an owl’s sharp beak and powerful talons allow it to kill its prey before swallowing it whole (unless it is too big). Scientists studying the diets of owls are helped by their habit of regurgitating the indigestible parts of their prey (such as bones, scales and fur) in the form of pellets. These “owl pellets” — which are plentiful and easy to interpret — are often sold by companies to schools for dissection by students as a lesson in biology and ecology. [3]

Owls are the ninja assassins of the woodlands, not the professors. Keep that in mind, Owl Tattoos. You’re just feeding the Owl Agenda.

Owls.

Look! A tattoo of an owl!

5. WE HATE photos of tattoos, now, after posting all of these. You know when a tattooed person asks you if you would care to see commands you to see their tattoos? Then they tell you the story of how they got the tattoo? And how much it hurt/didn’t hurt? And they tell you what the chaotic and overdrawn blob of ink on their calf means? And it means nothing to you? And they tell you why they had the tattoo drawn on their calf? And they tell the hilarious story of how they had to get the name of their ex covered up? And you start to lose interest right around the time they tell the story about how they got the one on their shoulder? Well, you’re trying to get laid by that person, so it’s ok. Without that at stake, random photos of fresh (and probably sore) owl tattoos just make up one more blog to hate. *sigh*

November 20, 2009

We hate Twilight

Filed under: We hate Twilight, We hate your creepiness, We hate your love, We hate your silly devotion., We hate your zealotry — The Gosford of James @ 11:57 am
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We hate Twilight. We hate Twilight blogs. Twilight blogs are legion. So we will focus our hatred on According to My Sources and the post Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson Hold Hands…and the Internet DIES!

1. WE HATE the specificity of your adoration. We’re all for unhealthy devotion to celluloid promises of a better version of reality. And we have no doubt that you have an unhealthy devotion to Twilight as a concept, but you choose to express that specifically through the medium of Kristen Stewart, a no-name, no-talent, not-really-pretty actress who will never act in anything significant again. That’s just weird. Next thing you know you’ll be trying to kill other celebrities to get your celebrity’s attention. We’ve seen your future, ATMS, and it isn’t pretty.

For being stalkerishly devoted, you don't have many shots of Ms. Stewart.

2. WE HATE that the movies aren’t enough for you people. Can’t you just live in the fantasy world? Why must it carry over to the real world? When we were freakishly devoted to Star Wars, it never occurred to us to stalk Carrie Fischer. I mean, we had all of her pictures from Teen Beat wallpapering our bedroom, and there was that incident when our grandmother walked in on us in the bathroom “playing” with our Princess Leia action figure, but that was just normal kid stuff. Nothing sociopathic. Being a fan is one thing. Being a fanatic is another.

3. WE HATE fan fiction. It just sucks. Fan fiction sucks. For instance, in one story from your “fan fiction galore” corral, these sentences happen:

“I must learn not to sleep with it wet. I recite this five times as a mantra whilst I try, once more, with the brush.”

First, you think so little of the object of your blog’s adoration that she’s too dumb not to sleep on wet hair? (Carrie Fischer never slept on wet hair in our dreams…). Second, nobody says whilst but writers of fan fiction. Whilst sucks. We hate whilst.

Maybe it gets better as the “story” progresses:

“The lift whisks me with unseemly haste to the thirtieth floor. The doors silently fly open and I’m in another large foyer, again all glass, steel and white sandstone. In front of me there’s another desk of sandstone and another young blond woman dressed impeccably in black and white, who rises to greet me.”

Nope, no better. Holy adverbs. You know what adverbs are? What lazy/unimaginative writers do when they can’t describe something. How does a lift have “unseemly” haste? And say “another” one more time, and you’ll get cited by the Department of Redundancy Department.

For your next piece of fan fiction try this: every time you want to say “Edward,” say “Gandhi.” And instead of “Bella” say “Carrie Fischer.” I think the plots can stay the same, but think how much more interesting the sex scenes will be! Once you have a complete draft, arrange the pages in a geometrically complex pattern, pee on it, then light it on fire. That smell coming from the combusting pages? That’s fan fiction. Whilst.

4. WE HATE that the vampire genre has jumped the shark. We remember when vampire movies were rare and awesome. This ended in 1987 with The Lost Boys. The only good vampire movie between then and now was Shadow of the Vampire. Do you know why? Because that’s when teenagers started getting involved† (we could also blame Anne Rice, Jim Carrey, the Cories and Joel Schumacher, but it works better for our hateology if we blame the inclusion of teenagers in general). Our only hope is that Twilight kills the genre, not because it can’t get any better than Twilight, but because it couldn’t possibly get worse. You know, like Spiderman 3 and X-Men Origins: Wolverine did for comic book movies, and Transformers 1 & 2 did for…Transformers movies.

Strangely enough, these are more lifelike than the actors

5. WE HATE your specialized lingo, which is equal parts dumb, LOLspeak, and txt-spk.

Twihard 1: “KStew?”

Twihard 2: “OMG!!!!”

Twihard 1: “RPattz?”

Twihard 2: “Le sigh.” (We imagine Twihard 2 says this dreamily, whilst her chin is in her palm and she stares out of a  rain-streaked window.)

† There is a direct lineage of suck from the Cories Haim and Feldman through Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt all the way to Robert Pattinson. It started in The Lost Boys. Not only were teen girls blahonkered for Haim and Feldman, but to a lesser extent with Kiefer Sutherland. Or at least to the idea that vampires weren’t scary, they were cool. Or scary-cool. The tag-line for the movie “Sleep all day, party all night…it’s fun to be a vampire” is indicative of the paradigm shift that had occurred. The success of the movie and the cultishness of the fan base led to the popularization of Anne Rice’s Lestat (who is eventually a rock star in the books). The Blade movies and Buffy franchise also promoted the sexiness of the vampire ethos, along with books by authors like Laurell K. Hamilton. Rather than being frightening monsters, vampires became the embodiment of American narcissism. Eternal youth, seductive mental powers (why aren’t there any ugly vampires, post-Lost Boys? Gary Oldman notwithstanding), and that whole penetration thing (which has admittedly been there since Dracula). The problem, of course, with the continued demystification of traditional horror icons is that it triggers a chain reaction of iconographic shifting. Horror movies can no longer scare us with vampires, but the gore works, so we get crap like the Saw franchise, which isn’t scary, it’s just gross. Aliens and the paranormal still have some effect, but it is only a matter of time until teen girls are mooning over hot aliens and wanting to spawn their babies. The cult of the sexy vampire culminates and is perfected in Twilight, which caters to those ridiculous desires to the point of fetishizing them. And because of that fetish, vampires are no longer interesting unless they appeal to teen girls, because apparently, they spend the most money on movie tickets, clothes, and other related paraphernalia. And teen girls could obviously not give a shit about the quality of the writing. So thanks a heap, Joel Schumacher. You also ruined the first Batman franchise. Dick.

November 19, 2009

We hate My Hairstyling Tools

Filed under: We hate your hair. (Give Pop-Pop your hair.) — wehateyourblog @ 10:09 pm
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We hate My Hairstyling Tools, and we hate Holiday Hair – Hairstyles for 2009-2010.

1. WE HATE women that don’t spend enough time with their hair.

We could look like that too. We just don't need to.

2. WE HATE how lazy women are, especially when it comes to their looks. If you are going out in public, at least make an effort.

Look out, there's a racoon eating your shoulder! A racoon that uses the latest technology in conditioners.

3. WE HATE those women that think they can skirt through life on their diligence and determination.

We don't really get the whole Jessica Alba thing.

4. WE HATE how some women think that, just because they are incredibly talented singers and profound songwriters, they can walk a red carpet in a mall haircut.

This should be a photograph of Beyonce's hair.

5. WE HATE that women don’t follow this man’s example, and care for their hair.

This is where all the Davy Crocket Coonskin Cap hats come from.

November 17, 2009

We hate Thanksgiving Black Friday Ads

Filed under: We Hate Your Business, We hate your job? Is this your job? — Ashby Barett @ 4:50 pm
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We hate Thanksgiving Black Friday Ads and we hate the post Get the Right Fit from American Eagle this Black Friday 2009.

Days left until death-by-shopping stories start flooding the airwaves: 10.

1. WE HATE this steaming pile of crap you call a paragraph:

American Eagle will definitely offer great discounts this Black Friday Ads 2009 as what they have been doing in previous years.  To be notified when new American Eagle Black Friday ads becomes available, please always visit this site.

We won’t waste any energy picking that apart. The steaming pile of crap stands on its own as a testament to how horrible your blog is.

2. WE HATE that you’ve been blogging about black friday since June goddamn 20th. You are what is wrong with … everything. You’d better hope we don’t see you at Walmart on black friday or that ten dollar Dell may just accidentally fall on your toe. Your pinky toe. Take that.

3. WE HATE this video on your home page:

Do you know of any good deals on power drills? The kind that can bore into our skulls and remove the memory of this video? No? Then we guess excessive sniffing of White-Out will have to do for now.

4. WE HATE that your whole website appears to be just a ploy to sell shirts:

How could you love something that results in so much hatred? Oh, and while you're here, don't forget to subscribe to our RSS feed!

Given how annoying your website is and how rage-inducing those who actually shop on black friday are, we think you might have more success with an “I HATE BLACK FRIDAY” design. But then again, we are biased toward hate.

5. WE HATE lazy blogging.

 

November 16, 2009

We hate Occult Ritual Abuse

Filed under: We hate your creepiness, We hate your music — Halstad Blanchard @ 9:24 pm
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We hate the blog Occult Ritual Abuse.

1. WE HATE your blog mainly because it reminds us of a time when we hated ourselves and our only solace was in finding all those bands that matched the alienation we felt at the hands of society. Granted, we didn’t listen to bands like Subincision or Grass Widow. Instead, we found our dark, brooding strength in stuff like The Chipmunks and the soundtrack to “Cannonball Run.” Ours was a maladjusted maladjusted youth.

2. WE HATE absolutely nothing about the following video. Kudos, Occult Ritual Abuse. In fact, we would have worn one of these outfits to the prom that we didn’t attend because we were in the state speech meet.

3. WE HATEd the kids that skipped wood shop and hung out in the trailer court across the street from the high school so they could smoke cigarettes in their Danzig jackets – the kids that carved stuff like this into the desks in study hall:

Why did we hate them? Because they had bunk weed compared to the hippie kids.

4. WE HATE the fact that you stole the birthday card I was going to give my nana:

My nana breathes through a hole in her neck! You bastards!

You bastards! My nana breathes through a hole in her neck!

5. WE HATE those types for whom Charlie Pride represents the sum total of black America. They’re out there, aren’t they Occult Ritual Abuse?

November 13, 2009

We hate the W.O.N.D.E.R. Technique

Filed under: We Hate Your Business, We hate your fashion sense. — The Gosford of James @ 8:05 pm
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We hate the W.O.N.D.E.R. Technique and we hate the post “Campaign to Stop Negative Thinking”

1. WE HATE campaigns to stop negative thinking. Negative thinking is what we do. Mocking others gives us that warm, fuzzy feeling of self-righteous satisfaction and it’s really all that gets us through the day before we must face another night alone under the covers, rocking softly, back and forth, humming humming just for a sound, anything to prove that we are still actually alive. WE HURT W.O.N.D.E.R. Technique, and hate is what makes the pain tolerable! Don’t take that away from us!

2. WE HATE your lack of photos. We know from sitting in numerous doctor’s offices and police stations that inspiration is all about motivational posters, and we expect them to be plastered all over your blog. We are sorely disappointed. Also, mocking bad photos is part of our schtick. Our mold is broken. We are lost without our routine. Thanks a lot W.O.N.D.E.R. Technique.

Wonder guy

You remind us of one of those guys from Ally McBeal. Or of Ally McBeal.

3. WE HATE having to put periods between all your capital letters. Make it easier for people. Lose the massive acronym.

4. WE HATE how you misunderstand the concept of a blog. You say, “[...] and without saying too much, in my life negative thoughts in the past have had some effect on me.” No, W.O.N.D.E.R. Technique, your blog is where you do say too much. Open up, big fella, let it all out. The blogosphere won’t judge you. And also, Captain Obvious, your frank admission that negative thoughts have affected you does not inspire us to join your little cult of healing. Get past the surface level stuff. Reveal things your mama would be embarrassed to have birthed you over.

Twtbc4

This makes us want to do acid.

5. WE HATE your affirmation cards. We already read Stuart Smalley.

stuartsmalley

Now a U.S. Senator. Thanks again, Minnesota.

November 12, 2009

We hate Web Design Blog

Filed under: We hate your job? Is this your job? — wehateyourblog @ 9:02 pm
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We hate Web Design Blog, and we hate the post 200+ Shopping Vector Icons.

1. WE HATE how Christmas invaded our life this year. You think you’re being generous by letting your reader(s) download these icons. But you aren’t being generous. You’re hastening the cheapening of Christmas.

Subtle.

When we were young, Christmas stood for something.

2. WE HATE your design. It’s way too busy. Glaring. Loud. Seizure causing. But don’t just take our opinion without hearing our solid scientific research.

Yes, we are a scientist. And we tested your web design by holding it front of our bathroom mirror, turning out the lights, and hitting refresh three times.

Bloody Mary hates your web design, too.

3. WE HATE your membership system. You advertise free downloads for vector graphics, yet you want us to become members and pay for it. We don’t understand. We can only assume that your members have access to the Non-Suck templates and graphics.

Boy howdy. Why would we ever need fonts other than these fine specimens?

4. WE HATE your membership fees. You charge “$9.99 / life.” $9.99 per life? This is ridiculous and offensive. (Ridicuffensive.)

Ridiculous: Do you really think that we will be swayed be the amazing savings of one penny over a lifetime? Charge ten bucks.

Offensive: Why do you hate Hindu believers so much? Do you have any idea how much membership would cost an ātman?

5. WE HATE your business model, which we can essentially summarize as “Why offer the cow for free, when you can get the milk for free as well?”

Free vector graphics on the internet? What a rare and unique opportunity!

Look. Maybe this isn’t a growth-industry for you. We googled “Free Vector Graphics” and got almost four million hits.

We googled “Jobs in Vector Graphics.” We got 744,000 hits.

Consider our business model, which we summarize as “We hate the cow, and we hate its milk. And if you like either cows or milk or write a blog about either, we will hate that blog as well.”

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