We hate your blog.

February 3, 2010

We Hate All About Beards Blog

Filed under: We hate your hair. (Give Pop-Pop your hair.), We hate your pretention, We hate your refusal to conform. — Halstad Blanchard @ 3:22 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

We Hate the All About Beards Blog at beards.org.

(This post has a soundtrack! Press play and listen to this song as you read the next fine edition of We Hate Your Blog. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.)

1. WE HATE that your beard is apparently a left brain thing. Your blog is concerned more with beard milestones and beard math than the beards themselves. Fourteen years of beards? Eleven million beards? Happy New Beard Year? A beard submission chart?

Beard chart

Beard submitters, sorted by month, cross referenced with the tendency to wear flannel shirts.

Oh, we get it. There must be something about the beard that makes you more analytical. After all, Bill James is one of you. Is it because the ladies leave you alone to scribble non-differential equations all through the night? The answer is “yes.”

Sir? A beaver appears to be swallowing your face.

2. WE HATE beard bands: My Morning Jacket, Fleet Foxes, etc. Yawn. It’s funny, but their beards actually make them more interesting, not like when the hippies started wearing them in the 90s. The hippies grew beards because they were lazy. Jim James did it because he needed something that exuded legitimacy and nonconformity at the same time. Voila.

Seriously? Wilco beats all of these clowns into the ground consistently, thoroughly and 15 years ago. And (here’s the kicker), Jeff Tweedy is only infrequently bearded.

Your beard is a sham, Jim James, Yim Yames, or whatever you need to call yourself. And you, All About Beards Blog, you romanticize all of this beardism.

3. WE HATE your … beard videos? After we saw “Schindler’s List,” we realized that you can make up a story about anything, even a “holocaust,” but a beard movie? Quel horreur!

"You have to let me tell you about the day I started this beard 'cause it was the day that I heard the greatest 'Terrapin Station' ever."

4. WE HATE beard/zipper/fellatio situations. Good enough reason to shave (or be shaved) right there. And, Paul? If you’re reading this, many apologies.

You know why the French don't wear beards? Have you ever gotten chevre tangled in your facial hair? Don't.

5. WE HATE that mainstream American fashion still won’t let us have beards, All About Beards Blog, and part of it is probably your fault. Why? Because you keep romanticizing the idea of growing a beard, but you don’t seem to be changing a damn thing. Are you out there, fighting for men’s beards, standing by them when they get snubbed at a shop? Are you there when someone claims that a beard wearer resembles Osama bin Laden? Are you there when they lose their job on the grill line at Gilley’s Burgers and Taps because someone found a beard hair in their fried egg burger? Are you? No, you’re not, All About Beards Blog. You’re on the sidelines fanning the flames of beard fever but coyly looking away when the bodies start coming in. The Beard Wars are upon us now. Men across the nation risk life and limb every day rocking their facial hair in constant fear of reprisal. And what are you doing? You’re discussing the social psychology of beards! Stop wallowing in theory and grab a brick! We will not rest until our beards are safe! We shall not flag, we shall not flounder! They can take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom! Attica! Attica! Attica!

February 2, 2010

We hate Twin Cities Restaurant Blog

Filed under: We hate your food. — wehateyourblog @ 9:49 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

We hate Twin Cities Restaurant Blog and its photographic evidence of why we’re so fat.

1. WE HATE that these photographs are filed under a restaurant review labeled ‘healthy eating.’

2. WE HATE hating blogs on a full stomach, and having our well-balanced, nutrition-rich, calorie-light, and organic Lib-Guilt-Bars repeating on us.

If you listen closely, you can hear the muffled weeping of that lettuce.

3. WE HATE that these photographs make our laptop wheezy.

We don't want our desserts to dribble white fluids down their sides.

4. WE HATE the Twin Cities. We hate their retread trends, their haughty attitude which flips between more provincial than thou and more cosmopolitan than thou, and their cold, soft bellies. This restaurant just might explain all three.

Nothing says yummy like a lacquer of unnatural orange.

5. WE HATE that we used to eat this junk and love it. We hate metabolism. Like all the people in this final picture, we’ve had to move on. And we really hate Wii Fit. Especially when we set up the game for the first time, stood on the balance board, and the avator blooped out like a melting gum drop.

This is the restaurant's audition tape for 28 Days Later.

January 29, 2010

We hate Maxwell’s Demon

Filed under: We hate your art, We hate your science. — The Gosford of James @ 1:44 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

We hate Maxwell’s Demon, and we hate the post Reflections in Spheres.

1. WE HATE having clicked excitedly on your blog title, hoping to finally figure out what is wrong with our buddy, Maxwell. We know he’s tetched in the head, but we never expected a demon! So we get to your blog aaaaaaaand…math. Or “maths” as you say. Pfft.

2. WE HATE not having a clue what your blog is supposed to be about. You have really interesting post titles (Ooze of the Past, No Science Without Fancy…okay, maybe you have two interesting post titles), but when we read your posts, we have no freakin’ clue what you’re talking about. We even tried scanning your word cloud. “4d academia”? “Visual maths”? “Literature”? Why don’t you throw some Bigfoot or Compassionate Conservative posts in there if you’re just going to talk nonsense?

Math art sure is sapphic.

3. WE HATE that you can’t use your powers for good. There is only one proper use for math, Sabermetrics (two, if you count tipping the waitress). Just focus on what we care about.

Math art sure is Baroquely sapphic.

4. WE HATE that analysis of Maxwell’s demon, which proposes that a being (the demon), who can see individual molecules, opens and closes a hole between two containers, A and B, so as to allow the swifter molecules to pass from A to B, and only the slower molecules to pass from B to A will thus, without expenditure of work, raise the temperature of B and lower that of A, in contradiction to the second law of thermodynamics, has helped to develop the field of nanotechnology, and we all know what happens then. So we guess that’s the end of us. Thanks a gob, Maxwell. Maybe there’s a reason he called it a “demon”?

Math art sure is unambiguously sapphic.

5. WE HATE your rationale for launching your blog, and your abhorrence for the word “blog.” Why do people worry about why they are starting a blog? You drank the Kool-aid, maths guy. Buck up and figure out the single truth about blogging. Nobody cares. Your blog exists for the sole purpose of being hated by us. And now you’ve achieved blog nirvana. You may now retire from blogging. For the love of Mike, please, please retire from blogging. That goes for all of you. Just stop it. Stop. It.

Tell you what we’ll do, blogosphere. We’ll host an intervention for all y’all. “Hello, my name is Dimwitted No-talent Writer, and I’m a blogger.” “Hi, Dimwitted No-talent Writer.” We know you crave attention, or the illusion of attention. We know you think you have something important to say about life, the universe and everything. But the answer is 42. We were all getting along just fine without reading your pedantic, dull, pretentious, lame, wrong, God-awfully insipid reflections on everything. We’ll get along just fine in the post-blog world, too. C’mon people, let’s make it happen.

January 28, 2010

We hate A Walking Carnival

Filed under: We hate your writing — wehateyourblog @ 10:02 pm
Tags: , , , ,

We hate A Walking Carnival, and we hate the post A Short History of Manners.

1. WE HATE manners. But not for the reasons that you think.

We hate manners because we can never remember, of the salad, dinner and dessert fork, which one would be best to gouge our eyes out after having read your blog.

Oh snap!

2. WE HATE blogs which were inspired by some meaningless aspect of raising small children. Yes, this means we hate more than half of all blogs.

In your blog, you swore in front of your children when some guy cut you off in traffic. And this lead you straightaway to your Mac, (guessing from your touchy-feely-blog-about-my-kids blog, you’re probably a Mac user), so you could write on your precious blog about your precious day with your precious children.

How about you not write blogs about your parenting skills, and, we don’t know, work on your parenting skills?

Oh snap!

3. WE HATE your photograph.

The textures of these clouds are more interesting than your blog.

But only because we liked the picture and then, wrongly, we thought there’d be something worth reading underneath it.

Oh snap!

4. WE HATE ourselves now. We’re sorry. We’re so stressed out because of raising our children. It’s hard, you know? Especially when we can’t remember which states some of them are in now. But absenteeism doesn’t mean we don’t worry about our four or seven children. (Results pending.)

And then your random blog came along through Twitter, and talked about how shrill behavior is ruining the future of children, and, we’ll be honest, it ruined our day. So without really even thinking, we hated your blog. We’re worried now. Will our children think it’s okay to just go around hating blogs?

Our mom never hated a blog. Our grandmother never hated a blog either. And now we do it all the time.

As you write, “once you start in, once you cross the line, it’s easier to do it again. And again. Until you can’t decide which came first: the guy on your right who won’t let you merge, or the mother who swore at him.”

Because, as you so beautifully imply, you poet-priestess, you woman-warrior, being a mom is so important that it causes everything, even the driving behavior of strangers.

5. WE HATE Blogger templates.

If you’re going to add to the banality of the internet with the 10,000,000th blog about raising kids, please at least consider that people might stumble upon your blog.

You couldn't scroll down? This is the first template available.

January 27, 2010

We Hate New Age Blog

Filed under: We hate easy targets. — Ashby Barett @ 12:27 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

We hate New Age Blog and we especially hate all posts under the tag, Spells/Spell Casting.

Why does New Age Blog look like 1996 Internet?

1. WE HATE the post where someone tells us that:

We are all connected through an energy network that links our spirituality, metaphysical and paranormal experiences. Through this network, those with an inherited gift and psychic ability can pass through time to gain a reading on your future. This same energy network influences what will come to be and can be altered through white magic. These charmed spells normally are passed through generations of shadow books.

You lost us at “We”. We aren’t connected to you. We hate you. Our hatred shields us with double-power ankh-force against your mind-forcings (even if they are assisted by your level-four demon-powered … hair rollers).

Also, we know you don’t believe a word of what you’re saying. Like the Pope and Tom Cruise, you’re just in it for the money and the ass.

2. WE HATE the post where someone else tells us to, “Cut out dolls to represent each party from an unlaundered bed sheet, stained with sexual fluids.” Could you please be more specific? Does the part of the sheet that we cut out have to be the stained part, or can we make the dolls out of any part (stained or not) of a sheet that is stained with fluids? This is pretty important. Here:

We assume accuracy is key in spells like this. Wouldn't want something to go wrong and start dry humping our cat or some shit.

3. WE HATE that we could keep pulling paragraphs from any of your posts and let the jokes write themselves. It makes us lazy.

4. WE HATE how New Agers are always trying to justify their brand of crazy by saying their practices are ancient and sacred. Listen, either you’re new, you’re old, or you’re timeless. Pick one and own it.

5. WE HATE that because of you we never see Miss Cleo on TV anymore. Here’s what you took from us, New Age Blog. Here’s what you killed:

We gotta let you in on a little secret. She’s not Jamaican. True story!

January 22, 2010

We hate Confessions of a Pageant Mom!

Filed under: We hate your creepiness, We hate your dreams., We hate your hobby. — The Gosford of James @ 12:43 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

We hate Confessions of a Pageant Mom! and we hate the post Pageant Prince.

1. WE HATE that you are pretending to like the other moms and kids. This presents two possibilities: 1. You really do like the moms and kids, which means that you aren’t competitive enough. We mean, that Kenny bastard was second overall. That’s the competition. You can’t like that kid, you have to want to kill him, and teach little Charlie to want to kill him, too; or 2. You are a dirty dirty liar, and you really don’t like the mom or kid, and really do want them dead. We wouldn’t hate that. We’d be all for it.

What's cuter than two pageant toddlers? Two moms pretending to like each other for a picture.

2. WE HATE that Charlie is “in a dry spell” just because he didn’t place in the top three in the Cute Kids March of Dimes contest. What is the kid, two? Although I guess it’s best to brainwash condition him to unrealistic expectations at this young age, so he never knows the difference. He’ll never know there are kids out there who just get to be dirty little boys and smash things, watch cartoons, and have fun. We’re sure you believe he is having a swell time up there parading about on stage. We at least put our toddler in Little Rodeos and Junior Logger Sports, so he’ll have unrealistic expectations about being a Real Man, rather than a nancy boy.

3. WE HATE that you’re doing this to a little boy. We mean, if it were his sister, we’d have no problem. Girls don’t have much to look forward to anyway. Oh, wait…

"Geez am I going to get my ass kicked later in life."

4. WE HATE that your blog is part of a site called “Cute Kids.” We know that the internet was created for just this purpose (sharing pictures and insights about your kids that nobody else on the planet gives a rat’s ass about), but we think it has served that purpose, and that that time has passed. We spend a considerable part of our day looking at blogs, and the number of blogs dedicated predominantly to pictures of kids that really aren’t even that cute (at least not half as cute as OUR kid), is staggering. Our hope…nay, our DREAM, is that cute kid blogs will soon go the way of the passenger pigeon. And like the passenger pigeon, though your multitudes black out the sun of the blogosphere, you shall soon be extinct. Even if we have to shoot you all ourselves. Metaphorically speaking.

5. WE HATE any kind of confession. From Mark McGwire to Sylvia Plath to Bill Clinton to Catholics, confessions never seem to accomplish anything except confirming for us what we already knew to be true (cheater, solipsist, cheater, solipsists). But here’s the worst part: You haven’t confessed to anything. Confessing implies telling someone, even yourself, that you have done something wrong. And you have, Pageant Mom, you have done something wrong. But I’m sure when little Charlie wins the 2021 AVN Award for “Best Gay Oral Scene,” you’ll have never been prouder, and he’ll thank you in his acceptance speech, for teaching him early on that the only thing of value he has to trade on in this world is his looks. So get on with it, Pageant Mom. Confess.

January 20, 2010

We hate Western Fiction Review

Filed under: We hate your sex candor., We hate your writing — wehateyourblog @ 7:14 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

We hate Western Fiction Review, and we hate its review of Longarm and the Lone Star Trackdown.

In the background there are six books, but really only one plot.

1. WE HATE reading books. And judging by the books you read, you hate reading books too.

2. WE HATE cowboys. They are lame. Yes, they used to be cool, but they are now lame.

Used to be cool Who Ruined It
Cowboys Kevin Costner
Pirates Johnny Depp
Slingshots Lasers
Ninjas Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise Tom Cruise
Kevin Costner Tom Cruise
Johnny Depp Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise may have ruined cowboys, too. We can’t be sure of it.

3. WE HATE homeless guy porn, which is what these books really are. No matter how forgotten the corner of the public library you’re in, you can’t get away from the prudish, judgmental stares of those librarians. (We’ve heard.) But if you’re reading a book, you can pretend you aren’t being all gross. And when the book has doozies like this, from #368 of the Longarm series, you think no one will ever know your secret perversion:

He lifted her up to his waist, holding her out before him, then settling her gently, slowly down onto his cock, which was as hard as the central drive shaft on a Baldwin locomotive.

You had us until the “Baldwin locomotive.” Especially when there was a John Bull locomotive. How could you not use the John Bull locomotive there?

4. WE HATE being honest, but we feel that we must. We were in an airplane last night, and someone had left behind a copy of Longarm #368. We were bored, so we read the first chapter. That’s were the “Baldwin locomotive” passage came from. And perhaps we’ve misplaced our hatred on you, Western Fiction Review (not that we’d ever do that), but you obviously enable books like this.

How the west was one ridiculously poorly written place.

And that chapter’s sex was so terribly written that we won’t be able to lay down with our wife in the biblical sense, with fires of loin passion coiling like the metaphorical jaguar in heat ready to pounce … damn it. You’ve got us doing it too.

5. WE HATE that there are more than books in this series than days in a year. And people think we post too often. (We hate those people.)

But here’s what’s worse: not only are there a terrifying number of books in this series, there’s also a blog that reviews books like this. In fact, there are many blogs that do.

This is what humankind’s glorious experiment in language has amounted to. There are too many words in our world. Too many books. Too much internet. We need less books. Less web pages. Less of it all.

Burn ‘em all. Burn the whole thing to the ground.

…

We’ll be back tomorrow, with a brand new hate!

Used to be cool Who Ruined It
Cowboys Liberal Crybabies
Pirates Johnny Depp
Slingshots Liberal Crybabies
Ninjas Conservative crybabies
Blogging We did

January 17, 2010

We Hate IBS Tales Blog

Filed under: We hate easy targets. — Halstad Blanchard @ 4:01 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

We hate the IBS Tales Blog.

1. WE HATE that your version of experiencing IBS in the middle of an intimate situation is so negative. Does it have to be? We could always politely excuse ourselves, killing the mood but otherwise maintaining our dignity. We could also let nature take its course and see if they’re game. We’re surprised that didn’t occur to you, IBS Tales Blog. Some people pay big money to hang around people like us or pour sausage gravy on people like us.

2. WE HATE the fact that you don’t bring up the importance of crossword puzzles in effectively reducing the tedium caused by a prolonged visit to the throne. It’s how we got where we are today and, as a result, we now associate searing abdominal pain with Will Shortz (as opposed to a searing headache with trying to find a 3-letter word from the clue “Quietly sifted.”)

This is your header, eh? Well, it's not much. But it beats a closeup of anal distention.

3. WE HATE IBS politics and find it humorous that you weighed in on the rebranding of a charitable organization devoted to IBS issues. We could make jokes about the similarities between enacting meaningful policy and being constipated, or about the value of our elected officials relative to excrement. But, let’s go more abstract: in a Hobbsian universe, what body part of the Leviathan are those preoccupied with bowel movements? We’ll take our answer off the air.

4. WE HATE that you’re not a doctor, IBS Tales Blog. Nothing would flatter us more than for our spelunking photos to end up in some fancy medical journal. Or even a quack medical journal.

5. WE HATE ourselves for using an informative blog about a serious medical condition to make poop jokes.

And now that we’re off that hook…

A man named Timothy Sludge

Had a turd that just wouldn’t budge

And as he’d pass gas

He’d say to his ass

“Why do I need fiber to make fudge?”

January 15, 2010

We hate LOLCats

Filed under: We Hate Your Business, We hate LOLspeak, We hate clearinghouse blogs, We hate popular blogs (because we aren't) — The Gosford of James @ 5:24 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

We hate LOLCats/I Can Has Cheezburger. The whole shebang.

1. WE HATE that you are the root of all evil. All social ills can be traced back to you.

Loss of productivity: people must spend hours reading your stoopid pictures. They must. The power of LOLcats compels them. America would still have an export economy if it wasn’t for you.

Poor spelling: Obviously your fault. You need a translation dictionary just to understand it. Your founder, Paul Huh, said, “I got a stack of resumes that I can’t even go through. You know how they say, ‘Spell everything correctly because the people reading your resume will toss it out otherwise?’ Well, we can’t even do that. We won’t knock you out for spelling…. The traditional resume screening methods don’t apply here.” In other words, aspire to be uneducated, and there will be a place for you in the New Kitteh Order.

Jay Leno: Conan O’Brien is smart, witty, and spells things correctly. Jay Leno is lame and tired. Not funny. But people, due to a constant bombardment of dumb, cute cats, don’t want smart funny. They want dumb funny. So Conan gets axed, and Leno gets to haunt the airwaves for another 25 years.

LOLCats endgame

2. WE HATE your Jacksonian notion of blog democracy (please buy our site). You have become the overlords of the blog world, at least the lazy portion. FAIL Blog, Pundit Kitchen, and other, once-decent blogs have all succumbed to your Rupert Murdoch-style acquisition of smaller, better sites. It appears that there are lots of funny funny blogs in the world. But there are not. Just yours, all conforming to your ridiculously hilarious bad spelling and schadenfreude. However, if you start LOLPorn, we’ll drop this part of the argument (or if you offer to buy our blog).

We're the bird. You're the cats. But who is the window?

3. WE HATE that our wives send us roughly fifteen posts an hour from your various sites. It really interferes with our Facebooking, blog-surfing, and porn watching. While at work.

4. WE HATE what you’ll do to the Huffington Post once you have assimilated it.

I can has...

5. WE HATE that at some point, you’ll become the foundational text for some new religion, buy up the other religions, and rule the world.

Ai can be ur Gawd?

Kthxbai

January 14, 2010

We Hate Stupid Evil Bastard

Filed under: We hate your obviousness — Ashby Barett @ 5:05 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

We hate Stupid Evil Bastard and we hate the post Illinois Woman Prays God Will Bring Jobs to Her Town.

You look like Friar Tuck. You sure you're not Catholic?

1. WE HATE the amount of pleasure you seem to take in pointing out the obvious. Wait, wait, so the woman praying for jobs is not smart? What insightful commentary!

2. WE HATE this sentence:

“It’s just a shame the newspaper considered less than a dozen people standing around in the cold pleading to an imaginary sky-fairy to be news.”

So just in case you didn’t convince us that praying for jobs was stupid, you had to throw a little bit of media criticism in there to boot? Think of it this way, Stupid Evil Bastard, if these people didn’t make the news then you would have nothing to blog about. And what, oh what, would the internet do without yet another atheist blogger.

Also, stop calling god a fairy. Gods look like this, this and this. Fairies look like this.

3. WE HATE your tags. “Lunch” is not an appropriate tag. Show just a smidgen of restraint, you dumb mean illegitimate child.

Our favorite tag? Toucans.

4. WE HATE your name. We know some atheists and they are usually one of three things: stupid, evil or bastards. But they’re never all three. We don’t believe that you are … evil. Stupid bastard, sure. But evil? No one who spends so much time on the internet belaboring the obvious has the time to be evil. Idle hands are the (nonexistent) Devil’s tools, but yours are always tap, tap, tapping away making light of kids who die because they believe   what   their       parents           told them                  about                   God…

OK. Fine. You’re a stupid evil bastard.

5. WE HATE the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but only because he reminds us of hairy testicles with eyes.

Next Page »

Blog at WordPress.com.