We hate your blog.

March 4, 2010

We Hate Moms With Cameras

Filed under: We Hate Your Business, We hate your art — Halstad Blanchard @ 10:45 pm
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We Hate Moms With Cameras, even more than Moms On Camera (very NSFW and very, very MILF-y).

1. WE HATE the fact that, in order to qualify as one of your blog’s titular heroes, a woman must simply be impregnated (don’t ask us how this works, as we’re all monks at the Highway 102 Trappist Monastery) and have the baby fall out of her vagine. This gooey, sticky mess – perhaps the product of too many caramel appletinis – bestows upon this woman the power to become a mom with a camera and, thus, automatically qualified to accept money for taking photos. Amazing! Here, we thought we had to go to through an accredited university program, take an unpaid internship, learn a medium format camera, learn the dark room, learn Photoshop, sleep with a fugly graduate assistant to get an exhibition at the campus coffee shop, get a master’s degree, practice bouncing our flash off of peppers for six hours, take a couple more unpaid internships, work part-time at a photo lab just to stick around photographers while shooting a documentary about homeless orphans in our spare time, then get laid off and end up managing the bakery department at a grocery store! Here’s what we should have done:

1. Been born a woman.

2. Gotten knocked up.

3. Bought a camera.

"Look, mommy! I gave you a steady hand and impeccable eye for the critical moment! Just by being born! Yay!"

2. WE HATE to tell you that your blog seems to have been hacked into or possibly identity thefted. We can’t tell for sure, but we feel it a professional kindness to bring it up to you since there’s no way you would have done it on purpose. We don’t mean to alarm you or anything, but … THERE IS A RECIPE ON YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY BLOG. Repeat:

THERE IS A RECIPE ON YOUR PHOTOGRAPHY BLOG.

Try not to panic.

Incidentally, the chicken pot pie-ish was a hit at our Tea Party Potluck. The Ron Paul impersonator came back for thirds.

Putting a lens flare in an otherwise decent photo is like leaving a little smidge of poo on the toilet seat. Too bad this is only a decent photo if you happen to be tilting your head slightly to the right.

3. WE HATE to be the bearer of bad news, but a crappy daytime courtroom hack knows more about photography than some obvious MWC’s. And, you know what? Judge Joe Brown would never try to pass himself off as an actual trial judge. He knows his limitations. He knows he can’t just put up a splashy WordPress site and call himself a Father with a Gavel.

Thank you for reinforcing the idea that children are nothing more than commercialized props.

4. WE HATE all the exhausting practice, specialization and expertise that goes into these creative endeavors. Frankly, if moms can take over the roles of trained, professional photographers, then maybe they can take over the roles of other trained professionals. We’ve got a few ideas:

Moms With Scalpels – “Oh shoot! I’ve barely got time to pick up Dylan from hockey practice and perform this brainy-ectomy thing! Jeez! But, I’ll be on the mommy boards all night tonight trading fashion tips with my BFFs!”

Moms With Voltmeters – “Of course I can replace a 220v receptacle. I have a voltmeter!”

Moms With eTrade – “Trust me, Carol. I watched a 45-minute video about oil futures on YouTube. I can handle your portfolio.”

Pop quiz: what prevents the above things from happening? Any guesses? We’ll give you the answer at the end of the post.*

5. WE HATE to continue to harp on this point, but why is it so special that you’re a “mom” with a “camera”? Are you afraid to call yourself a photographer? Because that’s what a person who take photographs for a living calls themselves. Is it because you’d have to call yourself an “amateur” photographer and, if you did that, there would be no way you could suck in dead-eyed suburbanites, have them bring their WASP spawn to your house, prop them up on an overturned steel washtub and pay you to take sepia-toned pictures of them?

Thought so.

*Approval from a sanctioning body. You know, like the World Boxing Association or the National Wheelchair Poolplayers Association. Someone that tells you when you’re doing something wrong and forces you to get some sort of documentation. In a perfect world, eh MWAC?





March 2, 2010

We hate Jeff’s Carlsbad Blog for First Time Home Buyers

Filed under: We hate your job? Is this your job? — wehateyourblog @ 9:27 pm
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We hate Jeff’s Carlsbad Blog for First Time Home Buyers, and we hate the post Some Homes are Not All They Are Cracked Up to Be — Some Are, Literally!!

1. WE HATE your brevity. Literally.

2. WE HATE your tags, which include: first time buyer, first time buyers, first time buyers, and first time home buyers. We think you just want your tag cloud to spell out your blog name. Literally.

3. WE HATE crack houses. But only because they are out of our price range. Literally.

Oh. Wait. Cracked. Literally. We get it now! You were talking about cracks in the foundation, not crack, like, the drug crack. Because we thought you were writing about the drug crack. Literally.

We would be nervous to buy a home from you, Jeff. With that butterknife wit, we’d be scared you were taking us for the proverbial ride. To the letter.

4. WE HATE home inspections. And not because we couldn’t sell our lean-to when the inspector man come and say we ain’t structial. Well, yes. That is exactly why we hate home inspections. To the letter.

5. WE HATE how devoid of pictures your blog is.

It took us almost an hour to find any graphic at all.

We would like to suggest you rename your blog: Jeff’s Home Buying for First Time Blogger. Adhering to fact or to the ordinary construction or primary meaning of a term or expression-ly.

February 24, 2010

We hate Lost Addicts Blog

Filed under: We hate your silly devotion. — Ashby Barett @ 12:11 am
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We hate Lost Addicts Blog.

1. WE HATE that you felt the need to add your voice to an internet full of blogs about Lost. You all do the same thing. You recap episodes, give analysis and theorize about what it all “means”. You’re just a smidgen better than that horrible Days of Our Lives blog we hated back in the salad days of WHYB. Just a smidgen.

We've been a proud member of The Dharma Initiative since 1997.

2. WE HATE white text on dark backgrounds. It makes our eyes hurt. Ooh, but it reinforces the light/dark conflict between Jacob and Smokey! Whatever. It gives us the kind of nose-bleeding headache we’d have if we were jumping randomly through time without a love-of-our-lives constant to focus on.

3. WE HATE your passion. We have no problem with passion in general, we just hate when it’s focused on a television show. How many hours a week do you spend writing your summaries? Now just imagine channeling all that time and energy into finding a job, writing original material, developing a drug habit (just like Jack!), or sprucing up your mother’s basement?

Calling the door to your mom's basement "The Hatch" doesn't make it any less pathetic.

4. WE HATE your theories. Look at this photo:

Here’s a theory. The kid is actually Clancy Brown as a small boy. Who is Clancy Brown? Well, he’s an American actor who played the character John Danziger in the short-lived NBC sci-fi series Earth2. He also played (and you Lost fanatics probably already know this, but stay with me here) Kelvin Inmam in three Lost episodes.

Our theory? The island is actually the alien planet from Earth2. Either that, or the island all exists within a single sperm cell of Bob Newhart.

Think about it.

5. WE HATE that your uninspired tripe gets over a hundred comments per post while good folks like Josh over at The Joshmeister’s Lost Blog spend as much (if not more) time as you per post and get zero comments. Josh is like Ben and you’re like Richard. We hate Richard.

We also hate that you get more comments than Erika Olson at Long Live Locke who actually met Terry O’Quinn! She even wrote an enlightening 4,572 word post about meeting the man who plays Locke. How many Lost cast members have you met, Lost Addicts Blog? Hmm?

Posers.

Feel free to post this image on your blog after the series finale, when all your hopes and dreams of resolution are crushed and you’re left wondering what to do with your life:

There is no way you will not be let down by the finale. The sooner you realize this the sooner you can get psychiatric help.

February 23, 2010

We hate dead air

Filed under: We hate ourselves. — The Gosford of James @ 5:37 pm
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We’ve been getting a lot of calls lately here at WHYB World Headquarters in the basement of Highway 102 Technical College about why we haven’t been posting regular content since early February. We just wanted to dispel some of your worries, concerns, and suppositions.

  • We are not Tiger Woods, and we are not not writing because we are in sex rehab.
  • We are not the Norwegian Curling Team, but we wish we had their pants.
  • We are not serving a three week sentence for disorderly conduct, nor being held for questioning related to a string of vandalism charges in Terra Haute, Indiana.
  • Brooklyn Copeland did not find us and kill us. Yet.
  • We are not despondent over a failure of the website to go viral and attract thousands of visitors per day.
  • We are not suffering from a “nervous” disorder.
  • We are not ill.
  • We are not out of ideas. We mean, how could we be? There is so much to hate in bloggoland.
  • We are not pressed for time. Believe us, none of us has anything else to do, especially since we threw our Wii controllers out the window after losing to our three-year-old in Wii bowling for the six-hundredth time in a row. Also, our cable got turned off, but we just hang out in the school library now. Free internets!
  • We have not experienced total enlightenment and ascended to a higher realm. Nor will we, is our guess.

So fret not, loyal WHYBers. We’re fine. Just freakin’ fine.

Regular transmission to resume shortly.  Stay tuned.

February 9, 2010

We hate Brooklyn Copeland

Filed under: We hate ourselves., We hate your art, We hate your hate., We hate your love — The Gosford of James @ 5:41 pm
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We hate Brooklyn Copeland and we hate the post Part One.

1. WE HATE that you send so much traffic our way. Nobody asked you to “like” us, or put us on your blog roll. And yet there we are, and there you are, sending literally a couple of readers our way every week. Well, we won’t stand for it. Please remove us from your blog roll immediately, or legal action will ensue. Besides if you really “liked” us, you’d be our fan on Facebook.

2. WE HATE it when people put our name on their blogs in the vain hope that we will hate their blog. For one thing, you don’t come to us, we come to you. For another, we get like 5 yahoos a day reading us, people. Check out our comments. We got “Woody the Election Cat,” “King Hippo,” and “Prosody Queen.” Are those really the people you want visiting your site? You want “Average Girl”? Because that’s our readership. So feel free to link to us, but know that you’ll be getting no traffic as a result.

3. WE HATE all things poetry. Poets are like vegans, only more poorly nourished, in body and soul. A blog about poetry? Well, we guess if you’re going to merge the two most prolifically unreadable kinds of writing on earth, you may as well go all out.

4. WE HATE ars poetica. Here’s what you’re saying: “I like some stuff, and I can’t really tell you why.”

Here’s our Ars Blogica:

If we like it, it’s good. To be more specific: Know what you are talking about. Proofread. Pay attention to the way words sound. Don’t expect nobody will ever see what you are writing. Don’t expect anybody will ever see what you are writing. Don’t expect a book deal, or Amy Adams to play you in the movie version of your blog. Spend some time with your blog-hosting site; more specifically, don’t use the first graphic template that pops up, and don’t use the most popular templates either (we’re so sick of that goddamn WordPress creek and bridge header…). Don’t expect anyone to care about how cute you think your kids are. Don’t support political causes. Don’t be self-righteous or overzealous. Try to be funny, and if you aren’t funny, don’t blog. Don’t display your “blog awards” on your blog, they are just participation awards, less valuable even than the coveted Perfect Attendance Award we won at Highway 102 Technical College. Don’t have more than 20 blogs in your blog roll-when you like everything, you like nothing.

What else, WHYB-o-sphere?

5. WE HATE that you like this poem:

Women Girls Mothers

stamen

blue accordion                                                              forever

I           can           no                                      longer

love                       that           which

resembles

want

A                 humbling          of             all                that

is                 lofty                  and                  beautiful

is                   circling

too                  late                                    for                   sleep

in                   the

Beauty                   of                  drunken

collapse

between

moments

words

Highways

corn                                     milk                                    syrup

standing       on

precipice                 under        gasm

for

chasm        of              vacuums

which            cannot

digest

transitions

You say it’s “a pretty rain shower of imagery.” Okay. Do us a favor. Read that poem out loud. Is there a longer pause between “vacuums” and “”which” than there is between “digest” and “transitions”? What are we supposed to value, as the audience? How does this “sentence” “A humbling of all that is lofty and beautiful is circling too late for sleep in the Beauty of  drunken collapse” serve to ground the heretofore meaningless-to-you words “beautiful” and “Beauty”?

Look, we get it, aesthetics are personal, and the poetics of the last 110 years has done little to dispel the notion that art of any kind is and should be entirely subjective. We blame Ezra Pound and the internet, like most sensible people, but how far do you go before you’ve marginalized the audience so far that one person says “Yeah, sure, I guess that’s swell” and that’s enough for poetry-land? Is that where the great longevity of your art came from? Be dismissive if you want, but Whitman said great poetry needs a great audience, and poets keep telling the audience to go away. And they keep going. Just because poets have always complained about not having a wide enough readership does not mean that the abysmally small audience poets now “enjoy” is an acceptable outcome. Where is the work that is so good it demands to be read? Where’s our Edna St. Vincent Millay, selling out readings in arenas like a freakin’ rock star? Crimonetly! (which scans cri|mo|NET|ly)

What we’re really trying to say is, don’t apologize for what you like, just like the right stuff.

February 3, 2010

We Hate All About Beards Blog

Filed under: We hate your hair. (Give Pop-Pop your hair.), We hate your pretention, We hate your refusal to conform. — Halstad Blanchard @ 3:22 pm
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We Hate the All About Beards Blog at beards.org.

(This post has a soundtrack! Press play and listen to this song as you read the next fine edition of We Hate Your Blog. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.)

1. WE HATE that your beard is apparently a left brain thing. Your blog is concerned more with beard milestones and beard math than the beards themselves. Fourteen years of beards? Eleven million beards? Happy New Beard Year? A beard submission chart?

Beard chart

Beard submitters, sorted by month, cross referenced with the tendency to wear flannel shirts.

Oh, we get it. There must be something about the beard that makes you more analytical. After all, Bill James is one of you. Is it because the ladies leave you alone to scribble non-differential equations all through the night? The answer is “yes.”

Sir? A beaver appears to be swallowing your face.

2. WE HATE beard bands: My Morning Jacket, Fleet Foxes, etc. Yawn. It’s funny, but their beards actually make them more interesting, not like when the hippies started wearing them in the 90s. The hippies grew beards because they were lazy. Jim James did it because he needed something that exuded legitimacy and nonconformity at the same time. Voila.

Seriously? Wilco beats all of these clowns into the ground consistently, thoroughly and 15 years ago. And (here’s the kicker), Jeff Tweedy is only infrequently bearded.

Your beard is a sham, Jim James, Yim Yames, or whatever you need to call yourself. And you, All About Beards Blog, you romanticize all of this beardism.

3. WE HATE your … beard videos? After we saw “Schindler’s List,” we realized that you can make up a story about anything, even a “holocaust,” but a beard movie? Quel horreur!

"You have to let me tell you about the day I started this beard 'cause it was the day that I heard the greatest 'Terrapin Station' ever."

4. WE HATE beard/zipper/fellatio situations. Good enough reason to shave (or be shaved) right there. And, Paul? If you’re reading this, many apologies.

You know why the French don't wear beards? Have you ever gotten chevre tangled in your facial hair? Don't.

5. WE HATE that mainstream American fashion still won’t let us have beards, All About Beards Blog, and part of it is probably your fault. Why? Because you keep romanticizing the idea of growing a beard, but you don’t seem to be changing a damn thing. Are you out there, fighting for men’s beards, standing by them when they get snubbed at a shop? Are you there when someone claims that a beard wearer resembles Osama bin Laden? Are you there when they lose their job on the grill line at Gilley’s Burgers and Taps because someone found a beard hair in their fried egg burger? Are you? No, you’re not, All About Beards Blog. You’re on the sidelines fanning the flames of beard fever but coyly looking away when the bodies start coming in. The Beard Wars are upon us now. Men across the nation risk life and limb every day rocking their facial hair in constant fear of reprisal. And what are you doing? You’re discussing the social psychology of beards! Stop wallowing in theory and grab a brick! We will not rest until our beards are safe! We shall not flag, we shall not flounder! They can take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom! Attica! Attica! Attica!

February 2, 2010

We hate Twin Cities Restaurant Blog

Filed under: We hate your food. — wehateyourblog @ 9:49 pm
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We hate Twin Cities Restaurant Blog and its photographic evidence of why we’re so fat.

1. WE HATE that these photographs are filed under a restaurant review labeled ‘healthy eating.’

2. WE HATE hating blogs on a full stomach, and having our well-balanced, nutrition-rich, calorie-light, and organic Lib-Guilt-Bars repeating on us.

If you listen closely, you can hear the muffled weeping of that lettuce.

3. WE HATE that these photographs make our laptop wheezy.

We don't want our desserts to dribble white fluids down their sides.

4. WE HATE the Twin Cities. We hate their retread trends, their haughty attitude which flips between more provincial than thou and more cosmopolitan than thou, and their cold, soft bellies. This restaurant just might explain all three.

Nothing says yummy like a lacquer of unnatural orange.

5. WE HATE that we used to eat this junk and love it. We hate metabolism. Like all the people in this final picture, we’ve had to move on. And we really hate Wii Fit. Especially when we set up the game for the first time, stood on the balance board, and the avator blooped out like a melting gum drop.

This is the restaurant's audition tape for 28 Days Later.

January 29, 2010

We hate Maxwell’s Demon

Filed under: We hate your art, We hate your science. — The Gosford of James @ 1:44 pm
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We hate Maxwell’s Demon, and we hate the post Reflections in Spheres.

1. WE HATE having clicked excitedly on your blog title, hoping to finally figure out what is wrong with our buddy, Maxwell. We know he’s tetched in the head, but we never expected a demon! So we get to your blog aaaaaaaand…math. Or “maths” as you say. Pfft.

2. WE HATE not having a clue what your blog is supposed to be about. You have really interesting post titles (Ooze of the Past, No Science Without Fancy…okay, maybe you have two interesting post titles), but when we read your posts, we have no freakin’ clue what you’re talking about. We even tried scanning your word cloud. “4d academia”? “Visual maths”? “Literature”? Why don’t you throw some Bigfoot or Compassionate Conservative posts in there if you’re just going to talk nonsense?

Math art sure is sapphic.

3. WE HATE that you can’t use your powers for good. There is only one proper use for math, Sabermetrics (two, if you count tipping the waitress). Just focus on what we care about.

Math art sure is Baroquely sapphic.

4. WE HATE that analysis of Maxwell’s demon, which proposes that a being (the demon), who can see individual molecules, opens and closes a hole between two containers, A and B, so as to allow the swifter molecules to pass from A to B, and only the slower molecules to pass from B to A will thus, without expenditure of work, raise the temperature of B and lower that of A, in contradiction to the second law of thermodynamics, has helped to develop the field of nanotechnology, and we all know what happens then. So we guess that’s the end of us. Thanks a gob, Maxwell. Maybe there’s a reason he called it a “demon”?

Math art sure is unambiguously sapphic.

5. WE HATE your rationale for launching your blog, and your abhorrence for the word “blog.” Why do people worry about why they are starting a blog? You drank the Kool-aid, maths guy. Buck up and figure out the single truth about blogging. Nobody cares. Your blog exists for the sole purpose of being hated by us. And now you’ve achieved blog nirvana. You may now retire from blogging. For the love of Mike, please, please retire from blogging. That goes for all of you. Just stop it. Stop. It.

Tell you what we’ll do, blogosphere. We’ll host an intervention for all y’all. “Hello, my name is Dimwitted No-talent Writer, and I’m a blogger.” “Hi, Dimwitted No-talent Writer.” We know you crave attention, or the illusion of attention. We know you think you have something important to say about life, the universe and everything. But the answer is 42. We were all getting along just fine without reading your pedantic, dull, pretentious, lame, wrong, God-awfully insipid reflections on everything. We’ll get along just fine in the post-blog world, too. C’mon people, let’s make it happen.

January 28, 2010

We hate A Walking Carnival

Filed under: We hate your writing — wehateyourblog @ 10:02 pm
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We hate A Walking Carnival, and we hate the post A Short History of Manners.

1. WE HATE manners. But not for the reasons that you think.

We hate manners because we can never remember, of the salad, dinner and dessert fork, which one would be best to gouge our eyes out after having read your blog.

Oh snap!

2. WE HATE blogs which were inspired by some meaningless aspect of raising small children. Yes, this means we hate more than half of all blogs.

In your blog, you swore in front of your children when some guy cut you off in traffic. And this lead you straightaway to your Mac, (guessing from your touchy-feely-blog-about-my-kids blog, you’re probably a Mac user), so you could write on your precious blog about your precious day with your precious children.

How about you not write blogs about your parenting skills, and, we don’t know, work on your parenting skills?

Oh snap!

3. WE HATE your photograph.

The textures of these clouds are more interesting than your blog.

But only because we liked the picture and then, wrongly, we thought there’d be something worth reading underneath it.

Oh snap!

4. WE HATE ourselves now. We’re sorry. We’re so stressed out because of raising our children. It’s hard, you know? Especially when we can’t remember which states some of them are in now. But absenteeism doesn’t mean we don’t worry about our four or seven children. (Results pending.)

And then your random blog came along through Twitter, and talked about how shrill behavior is ruining the future of children, and, we’ll be honest, it ruined our day. So without really even thinking, we hated your blog. We’re worried now. Will our children think it’s okay to just go around hating blogs?

Our mom never hated a blog. Our grandmother never hated a blog either. And now we do it all the time.

As you write, “once you start in, once you cross the line, it’s easier to do it again. And again. Until you can’t decide which came first: the guy on your right who won’t let you merge, or the mother who swore at him.”

Because, as you so beautifully imply, you poet-priestess, you woman-warrior, being a mom is so important that it causes everything, even the driving behavior of strangers.

5. WE HATE Blogger templates.

If you’re going to add to the banality of the internet with the 10,000,000th blog about raising kids, please at least consider that people might stumble upon your blog.

You couldn't scroll down? This is the first template available.

January 27, 2010

We Hate New Age Blog

Filed under: We hate easy targets. — Ashby Barett @ 12:27 am
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

We hate New Age Blog and we especially hate all posts under the tag, Spells/Spell Casting.

Why does New Age Blog look like 1996 Internet?

1. WE HATE the post where someone tells us that:

We are all connected through an energy network that links our spirituality, metaphysical and paranormal experiences. Through this network, those with an inherited gift and psychic ability can pass through time to gain a reading on your future. This same energy network influences what will come to be and can be altered through white magic. These charmed spells normally are passed through generations of shadow books.

You lost us at “We”. We aren’t connected to you. We hate you. Our hatred shields us with double-power ankh-force against your mind-forcings (even if they are assisted by your level-four demon-powered … hair rollers).

Also, we know you don’t believe a word of what you’re saying. Like the Pope and Tom Cruise, you’re just in it for the money and the ass.

2. WE HATE the post where someone else tells us to, “Cut out dolls to represent each party from an unlaundered bed sheet, stained with sexual fluids.” Could you please be more specific? Does the part of the sheet that we cut out have to be the stained part, or can we make the dolls out of any part (stained or not) of a sheet that is stained with fluids? This is pretty important. Here:

We assume accuracy is key in spells like this. Wouldn't want something to go wrong and start dry humping our cat or some shit.

3. WE HATE that we could keep pulling paragraphs from any of your posts and let the jokes write themselves. It makes us lazy.

4. WE HATE how New Agers are always trying to justify their brand of crazy by saying their practices are ancient and sacred. Listen, either you’re new, you’re old, or you’re timeless. Pick one and own it.

5. WE HATE that because of you we never see Miss Cleo on TV anymore. Here’s what you took from us, New Age Blog. Here’s what you killed:

We gotta let you in on a little secret. She’s not Jamaican. True story!

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