We Hate the All About Beards Blog at beards.org.
(This post has a soundtrack! Press play and listen to this song as you read the next fine edition of We Hate Your Blog. And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.)
1. WE HATE that your beard is apparently a left brain thing. Your blog is concerned more with beard milestones and beard math than the beards themselves. Fourteen years of beards? Eleven million beards? Happy New Beard Year? A beard submission chart?
Oh, we get it. There must be something about the beard that makes you more analytical. After all, Bill James is one of you. Is it because the ladies leave you alone to scribble non-differential equations all through the night? The answer is “yes.”
2. WE HATE beard bands: My Morning Jacket, Fleet Foxes, etc. Yawn. It’s funny, but their beards actually make them more interesting, not like when the hippies started wearing them in the 90s. The hippies grew beards because they were lazy. Jim James did it because he needed something that exuded legitimacy and nonconformity at the same time. Voila.
Seriously? Wilco beats all of these clowns into the ground consistently, thoroughly and 15 years ago. And (here’s the kicker), Jeff Tweedy is only infrequently bearded.
Your beard is a sham, Jim James, Yim Yames, or whatever you need to call yourself. And you, All About Beards Blog, you romanticize all of this beardism.
3. WE HATE your … beard videos? After we saw “Schindler’s List,” we realized that you can make up a story about anything, even a “holocaust,” but a beard movie? Quel horreur!

"You have to let me tell you about the day I started this beard 'cause it was the day that I heard the greatest 'Terrapin Station' ever."
4. WE HATE beard/zipper/fellatio situations. Good enough reason to shave (or be shaved) right there. And, Paul? If you’re reading this, many apologies.

You know why the French don't wear beards? Have you ever gotten chevre tangled in your facial hair? Don't.
5. WE HATE that mainstream American fashion still won’t let us have beards, All About Beards Blog, and part of it is probably your fault. Why? Because you keep romanticizing the idea of growing a beard, but you don’t seem to be changing a damn thing. Are you out there, fighting for men’s beards, standing by them when they get snubbed at a shop? Are you there when someone claims that a beard wearer resembles Osama bin Laden? Are you there when they lose their job on the grill line at Gilley’s Burgers and Taps because someone found a beard hair in their fried egg burger? Are you? No, you’re not, All About Beards Blog. You’re on the sidelines fanning the flames of beard fever but coyly looking away when the bodies start coming in. The Beard Wars are upon us now. Men across the nation risk life and limb every day rocking their facial hair in constant fear of reprisal. And what are you doing? You’re discussing the social psychology of beards! Stop wallowing in theory and grab a brick! We will not rest until our beards are safe! We shall not flag, we shall not flounder! They can take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom! Attica! Attica! Attica!



















