We hate your blog.

We hate Mashable, a.k.a. the Twitterazzi.

1. WE HATE all the hoohah around the social media “revolution,” much of which is fed by the elites at Mashable. We hate revolutions in general, being the reactionary types that we are, but we hate this one in particular, mostly because its practitioners are savvy, tasteful and good looking. This overwhelms us with jealousy. “Look at us,” the Mashables of the world proclaim, “for we have mastered the word, the image, and the sound! Ours has been a revolution not of weaponry and brute force, but of technology and innovation!” At this point, everyone cheers and pulls out their iPhone and turns on the iCandle app, creating thousands and thousands of flickering digital candles, and then they hold them up while they sing some M. Ward song. They cheer some, then quiet down, then update their Twitter streams, then disperse, then go home to a dinner of beautiful organic greens and a pork noisette with a lingonberry reduction. After dinner, they watch “Arrested Development.” Oh, you’re so savvy and tasteful, Mashable. We hates you.

2. WE HATE your blog name. Were you aware that your title is synonymous with the phrase “having the qualities of a boiled potato?”

3. WE HATE the “insight” that social media is giving our annual end-of-the-year list-a-thons. From this post, we learn from Mashable that 1) the country was up in arms over Swine Flu, 2) people watch “American Idol”, and 3) people talked about the movie “New Moon” a lot. Wow. We mean, wow. That puts the point in “Web 2.0.”

Swine flu? Is that what killed Michael Jackson? Whatever.

4. WE HATE social media marketing and, especially, its practitioners. These are the people that sit on Facebook all day and for whom the whole of their marketing expertise is directed into retweets of YouTube clips of other, awesome marketing campaigns. For this, they get to go to SXSW every year and take tequila shots with Bob Schneider (and Bob Schneider’s enormous package) while debating the pros and cons of different URL shorteners (disclosure: we have dreams about fryin’ up that Hootsuite owl. As we’ve covered in the past, owls are jerks.).

5. WE HATE living our lives online. Here’s why, told in timeline fashion:

June, 2007 (Facebook status update): “Halstad Blanchard is sick of teh BUllSHit!!!! No wonder I did tons of blow last night.”

August, 2007: (our first family member joins Facebook and friends us)

December, 2007 (status update): “Halstad Blanchard takes Colbert literally (smirk).”

September, 2008: (a good chunk of our really, really Methodist family joins Facebook)

October, 2008 (status update): “NObama! Happy, Uncle Gary?”

June, 2009: (everyone else, including Grandma, joins Facebook)

November, 2009 (status update): “Did anyone else catch ‘Ghost Whisperer’ last night? Gripping.”

December, 2009 (status update): “I just made toast.”

Here’s the kicker: you know how everyone claims to be King Shit of Fuck Mountain when it comes to the social media phenomenon? The field has flourished off of their fertilizer. But, much like the idealistic pioneering of the 49ers (led by their prophet Steve Young), all of this will soon succumb to the law of diminishing returns. As people get strung out across the internet, hopping from social network to social network, you can bet they’re going to get so hungry for meaningful human contact that they will react by gathering in rooms with other people and learning how to play bridge. Or, having orgies or whatever. This is the world you wanted, Mashable, a world in which people are not identified by their physical presence but by their Twitter avatar. It is a world, literally, among the clouds. The emperor wears virtual clothes.

Mark our words, Mashable. Someday, an actual person will just walk up to you and tell you what they’re doing. How convenient! Instead of waiting for a comment, they’ll just listen. If they’re selling something, it will likely be something you need. How’s that for a revolution?

So, in closing, please fan us up on Facebook and follow us on Twitter.